and the results are in...

and they're negative. I say 'they' because I did 2 hpts - the one the clinic gave us and one from Superdrug. Both are n.e.g.a.t.i.v.e, definitely disappointed and a bit upset. Had a short cry when hugging Mr IVF but mostly am annoyed we'll have to go through the whole thing again. It kind puts your life on hold, well mine anyway. I freelance long hours and can't go to work on days where I have to go to hospital which means I have to turn down jobs.

I've lost the piece of paper from the clinic telling us what to do next - I know I need to email them but I can't find the email address and I'm unsure if I should carry on with the cyclogest/oestrogen patches until period comes. Any ideas? I should ring the clinic really, I'll have another hunt for the letter then call them if I definitely can't find it.

Tonight I'm going to watch Mesrine with a bottle of Rioja. Silver linings.

Less than 24hrs to go

I've kept it together! There are less than 24hrs left until POAS for real and I'm all full of wonder/nervousness/excitement. If it doesn't work then at least I can have big glass of vin rouge. All is not lost. We can try again - might have a month or so break though. I swear the whole shutting down my ovaries thing has made me grow a small 'tache. Not a good look. I'd like my hormones to have some peace and for the 'tache to disappear completely please,thank you very much.

Today I'm meeting a friend for lunch and then watching Revolutionary Road (we both read the book recently). That should keep me occupied. I bet I have a crap night's sleep. Last night I couldn't sleep for toffee, I had lower back ache and my left hip/pelvic area was really achey too. A couple of paracetamol's and some earplugging up later (DH was doing Darth Vader impressions in his sleep) and eventually I fell on the snooze wagon.

I woke up at 10.30am from dreaming about +ve hpts....sign? Hmmmm, we shall see....

Oh to be just a little bit stronger and resist those sticks

So I did the deed and POAS (peed on a stick) on Saturday AM and it was a BFN (big fat negative in this crazy world of ivf lingo). I put it down to it just being too early to test and decided to POAS on Tuesday (that would be yesterday). So today is 11dp2dt and I did the stick and it was still BFN. No faint line, nothing, nada. Part of me wondered if my going to the loo late last night might've affected any hcg levels. I'm a bit disappointed but not too much. There's still a possibility it could be positive on Friday. If this whole TTC (trying to conceive) malarkey doesn't work it's not the end of my world. I can think of loads of things that equal a fulfilled life minus the little tinkers. Mr IVF is on the same page so we're all good. Of course we'd still be upset, but a healthy upset rather than so distraught I can't face the world upset.

I read on someone elses blog that it's better to get a few small negatives than one big fat one. I agree (am I just saying that because curiosity got the better of me?!) it probably lessens the blow.

Sore boobs have gone but still got lower backache (around pelvic area) and I'm getting the odd cramping here and there. Had a strong one earlier and had to sit down. Is this normal at this time? I wonder if either embryos have implanted because I can feel stuff going on, unless it's the progesterone talking. Think I'll just try and keep sane until Friday which is THE day. Going to acupuncture later, that'll help. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

It's been a while and now it's the 2ww - 7dp2dt

I haven't posted for ages, mainly because nothing was really going on. Throughout May I just did the obligatory buserelin injections (I took over from Mr IVF when I realised it didn't hurt as much when I did it!). I've been really lucky in that the hormones haven't really got to me. I wonder if that means they were wired in the first place!

So, I've just been plodding along really. I decided to carry on having the odd alcohol bevvie and stopped one week before the Frozen Embryo Transfer, same with caffeine. It's not been so bad! (She says through gritted teeth) I even managed to go to a lovely pub with lovely wine and have an elderflower and soda. Well done me. And I've ordered to crates of wine from Virgin Wine Club to restock our supplies. Given I may not be able to drink any of this for potentially the next nine months I think I've done well.

Back to the IVF bit! I started the progesterone suppositries a couple of weeks ago now. It's fine. I can cope with it. A bit of Agent Provocateurs Gentleman's Relish helps too :) (that would be some posh lube). It has gone without incident, thankfully.

I had the frozen embryo transfer done a week ago today. Also without incident, Mr IVF said he was a bit nervous in the car on the way there. I was fine, not nervous at all. I recall this was the same on our wedding day, me - fine, him - sweating. It was all very organised, I like the IVF Unit at the Hammersmith Hospital, it seems they do a sterling job.

We had a chat with the embryologist who told us we had two embryos, both high grade and both dividing as expected - one was a two cell,t he other a three cell. I'll spare you the gory details of the actual transfer, all I'll say is it was a bit like having a smear test but more painful because it involves a catheter tube. If you've been there, well, you know. I laid motionless for about 30mins afterwards and then went home to spend the next 5 days glued to the sofa. Oh and they gave us a photo of the embryos to take away, which if they turn into real live humans will be pretty special. If not, well it's still quite amazing they can take photos of them.

During the first day after my FET I discovered the world of the 2 week wait (2ww). If there were no google I would not know this. So I am going to blame by increasingly obsessive behaviour (checking daily what symptoms should be for that day, reading blog after blog about how others POAS daily and get BFN BFN BFN. Eeek. This can't be good for the brain!) on Google and the WWW.

So now I'm at 7dp2dt and yes I've succumbed to symptom checking. I'm not sure I've got any if I'm really honest with myself. For the first 5 days I had a sciatica type pain shooting down the back of my left leg, into my foot sometimes too and I could still feel the sharp pain in the area where I felt them go in during the FET. I also had cramps up til 5dp2dt. Good, bad? No idea...

I noticed an increase in greasy hair on 5dp2dt and spots too - noticed because I read about it? Or real? Arrrrgghhh.

Last night I was really restless and couldnt sleep for ages. The first two nights I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow (not that usual for me). Today I have a couple of hot sweats without the sweat, just heated right up! Now I'm normal. Thought I had a wave of nausea this morning but maybe that was because I ate too much yoghurt and honey. I still feel the odd twinge but no spotting. Boobs are a little bit tender but that would be normal if period is due.

I have no idea if any of this means anything. But, I have (failed and) bought two pregnancy tests (in addition to the one they gave me), the first of which I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm sorry, I just can't stop myself. I've got this far! I'm not meant to test until June 11th. Bollocks to that. If it's negative well I'll wait a couple more days and do the next one around next Tuesday. If that's negative well, looks like we'll have to go to Round 2.

Wish me luck!

The beginning of FERC

So FERC stands for Frozen Egg Replacement Cycle, and the reason I'm on this cycle is because I was at risk of OHSS and so the embryos needed to go in the deep freeze.

I've been on the Buserelin for just over two weeks now, everything seems to be ok, I'm not as sweaty or damp under the armpits as before but I am feeling pretty bloated right now. I went for my first scan this morning, if everything had been ok I could have started the oestrogen patches, but my womb lining is too thick so I need to bleed. Back at the hospital same time next week and hopefully I'll be able to get on the oestrogen.

I've started no drinking as of yesterday. I would really love some red wine.

Another scan

Today I had my second OHSS scan. The lady doctor explains that the ovaries have gone down but there is more fluid now than there was last time they scanned. I look at the notes which don't make much sense to me but see fluid next to POD. She says to continue taking the Buserelin unless I have a bleed in which case I can discontinue it. And to book another OHSS scan for next Monday.

This is the first time I want my period.

I wonder what POD is and checked it out on the glorious internet when I got home. It's the Pouch of Douglas and it still means little to me although I now know that this is where the fluid is. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recto-uterine_pouch

I wonder how this little pouch will relieve itself and where does the fluid go?! Questions on a postacard please....

Sat 13 Feb - moving much better

The swelling has gone down considerably. I only look 5 months pregnant now. I can nearly stand up straight but my back still starts hurting after a while.

I cook the most amazing sirloin steak and drink some red wine for the first time in a couple of months. A lovely evening!!