Feeling rubbish

Mr IVF asks me if I am free on the first weekend of Feb. I'm supposed to be teaching a class but the client hasn't confirmed so I doubt I will be working I say. Ok he says. Mr IVF sends me a meeting invitation to visit some Northern friends that weekend.

I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know how the Gonal F is going to affect me and I don't want to have to keep the Gonal F in their fridge and face lots of questions when Mr IVF hasn't even told them we are doing IVF.

I think it's best we don't go but I don't want to stop Mr IVF seeing his friends. I don't say no or yes but sound negative about going, hoping that he senses that I don't think it's a good idea and that it would be better to stay home and support me if I'm not feeling too good or hormonal which is highly like given I'm going to be pumped up with hormones.

Instead Mr IVF takes my negativity in the complete opposite direction and gets defensive. I tell him I don't think it's a great idea because I don't know how I will be feeling. He says, 'fine, it's probably best if you don't come'. 'Fine', I say, furious. I go and potter in the bathroom stewing in fury and annoyed that he can't see my point.

I go back into his office where he is working and say I think he is being totally insensitive and I'm not going anywhere. It's left at this and Mr IVF goes to work.

I go to the gym to try and process why I'm so annoyed and upset. I'm upset because he hasn't thought about me (he says - I asked you if you were available! - I din't say yes or no). I just wish that he had thought about my needs first. I wish he'd thought 'well I don't think it's a good idea to travel up the country whilst Mrs IVF is having these hormone injections because she might not be feeling well and I i'd like to be around to support her and make sure she is ok'. Why didn't he think that? Given this is a difficult time for me I only want to share my social time with close family and friends. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I try to talk to him when he comes home from work. I say I don't think I made my point clear this morning. He says 'oh you made it very clear, clear as day'. He's obviously angry with me - I have no idea why and I don't understand why there is such a lack of compassion or understanding for the person who supposedly is the most important person in his life. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I'm not, I certainly don't feel like it right now.

I try to explain that it's not that I don't want to go - it's just I don't think the next 3-4 weeks is a good time because I don't know how the hormones are going to affect me and I'd prefer to be in my own environment. Mr IVF points out that I've been fine so far. But actually I've had been in a perpetual state of hot flushing, starting to get more and more headaches - today's was migraine like, feeling slightly nauseous, and of course there's the bleeding which isn't much fun. So although I am dealing with all of this without problem I am experiencing changes. Whereas he is not experiencing any bodily or emotional changes. He also points out that we need to make an effort socially. This maybe true, but does it really have to be now? I am just asking that we don't do anything in February,that is all. Reschedule for March. He still looks angry with me.

He goes on to say he thinks I'm being difficult on purpose (wtf?!) because I don't want to go. I say I just want to chill out and take it easy over the next few weeks. 'You have the easiest life of anybody I know' he retorts. The fury boils inside me, I just don't get why he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, and why he's saying these awful things to me. All I want is for him to put me first during this time. He says I'm turning into a big deal. Well it is a big deal. We've made a life changing decision to go ahead and try to have children. How is that not a big deal? He gets ready to go out (playing squash) and I sit on the sofa gritting my teeth, tears streaming.

He comes over to say goodbye and sees how upset I am. I try to explain again that I'm not being difficult, this is how I feel and when he says things like 'you have the easiest life of anybody I know' it makes me feel like he thinks I'm lazy and fills me with self-doubt. He sits there and asks if I'm ok, hugs me. I say yes. He goes to play squash. I sit on the sofa and cry out of frustration because I still think he just thinks I'm being difficult.

He phones from squash and asks if I'm ok. I say yes but am still crying. I'm not sure if I am. He says we'll have cuddles when he gets home and asks if I need anything. I don't, I'm fine I say.

He comes home from squash and I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother, he sits and watches too but doesn't touch me. We go to bed (still no bodily contact - no cuddle) and he rolls over. Five minutes pass and I have to ask what happened to the cuddle we were going to have. He rolls towards me and holds me. I feel a bit better and go to sleep.

First scan

I went to the hospital for my first scan to check my ovaries are suppressed. I take a batch of Grazia magazines because hospital magazies are always old or crap.

My appointment was supposed to be at 8am but the receptionist didn't have my appointment on her system. I recall when I booked it she was trying to do something else at the same time and I reckon she didn't book it. I end up waiting two hours to be seen by someone. The nurse apologises profusely.

Everything is ok she says and I can go ahead and start the Gonal F. She asks do I know how to use the pen to administer the drugs? Erm...No. She asks me to wait ('not as long as before' she says) so a nurse can show me how to use this pen. All seems easy enough.

I go to the pharmacy with my prescription and endure another hour waiting. Why so slow? There are six people in the pharmacy beavering away! I 'm relieved I remembered my book (Brutal Art) and have managed to get through a good chunk.

The sweats

I thought I'd managed to escape the side effects of Buserelin but no. Over the last few days I've had random hot sweats and semi-permanent dampness under the arm as well as a few headaches. Nice. At least I'll know what to expect when I hit the menopause. Thankfully this is all, I'm sure many women out there have really suffered so I guess I haven't done too badly (so far - it's only week 2 after all).

Day 3 of injections

I'm working again but this time drive myself as the roads were fine the day before. I take a syringe and the bottle of Buserelin with me in a small bag. I get to work at about 6.50am and make a beeline for the disabled toilet.

This is the first time I will be injecting myself. It doesn't phase me, I have no choice. I sit on the toilet and prick my leg with the needle. It hurts a little more than yesterday, I wonder if this is because I can see it. When I pull the needle out blood follows. This didn't happen yesterday or the day before! Mr IVF is clearly better at it than me.

I could just inject myself but if I did then Mr IVF would not have any participation in this whatsoever. All Mr IVF must do is accompany me to the hospital on the day of the egg collection so he can give a sperm sample and look after me. Given the problem is Mr IVF's dodgy sperm I feel this is all very unfair. So I insist he inject me so he can share my pain. I think he feels it, he really doesn't like doing it.

An early start

I have to leave for work very early on day 2 of the injections, I'm working from 7am so will need to do the injection before then. Mr IVF offers to drive me because the snow is bad. We leave at 6.25 and pull over somewhere and he stabs me in the leg again. Ouch. It hurts this time. A bus drives past us and I hope nobody saw my knickers.

Day 21 (or day 1 of the injections)

The Protocol tells us the injections need to be done between 7am and 9.30am. We start at 8am. The syringe sucks the liquid drugs out of the bottle and some air bubbles form in the syringe. Mr IVF is doing it. He can't get the bubbles out. It takes another syringe, lots of flicking the syringe and patience on Mr IVFs part to get it ready. There are NO instructions. Instructions would have helped because it was about a month ago when they told us how to do this. Where do we do the injection?

I'm being impatient and am nervous, surely there aren't meant to air bubbles in it? Mr IVF says I'm acting weird. I say I am not. Eventually we decide that a couple of teeny tiny air bubbles won't kill me because we're not injecting into veins. I look away and he literally stabs me with the needle in the top of the thigh. It doesn't hurt. It's fine. I am relieved.

Mr IVF phones me later that day to see if I have gone crazy. No, I am normal, so far.

Waiting...

We wait for the results, we're away for Christmas so that takes our mind of it. I am anxious though that we get the results back because the Long Day 21 Protocol that we are following is strictly laid out. Day 1 is the first day of your period. Day 21 is the day you start taking the ovary stopping drugs (Buserelin in our case). It gets to Day 19 (in January 2010) and there are no results, I phone the Nurse. He speaks to the specialist and apparently we can go ahead but if the results come back and there is a problem treatment will be cancelled.

Hmmm, what to do? I say I'll call him back shortly and phone Mr IVF. Mr IVF says lets just do it , we know the results were ok and your genes don't change so we should be fine. Mr IVF then says he remembers that his mum said she could get hold of the original results. Erm, when did she say this I wonder? Last year? Why didn't you get them from her when she first said she could get them? Then I wouldn't be in a mild panic stressing that we'll have to wait until next month before we can start the hideous injections. I keep these questions to myself and Mr IVF rings off to call his mum.

Mr IVF's mum comes through and faxes over the test results. That was easy, I thought. My stresses could have been completely avoided. Oh well. I took the results to the Nurse and he takes them to the specialist who confirms that we are ok to go ahead. I pick up my prescription and book the scan for two weeks time which will tell me/them/everyone that my ovaries are suppressed.

Another test

After the group co-ordination appointment we meet with our Nurse (I will use capitals for this Nurse because he is Our Nurse for the duration of this process). We go through all the paperwork from The Pack. He seems lovely and kind but there is a bit of confusion because I was supposed to bring Mr IVF's karyotype (i don't know what this is, something genetic) test results from his first batch of tests and what I thought were those results are in fact not.

Nurse suggests Mr IVF stay behind so he can do the blood test, but because it's just before Christmas the results will take longer to come back. We can only pick up our prescription (my prescription really) for the ovary halting drugs when this test result has come back from the lab. Mr IVF knows that he has had this test before and the result was fine but does the test anyway.

Group co-ordination appointment

The Pack told us to attend a Group Co-ordination appointment at the IVF clinic mid December. I didn't really register the word Group until we entered an unused room (surely unheard of?) with rows of seats filled with other people. I am clearly the youngest. This is good, I think, I hope.

In this meeting a nurse shows us our kit bag. Of needles. She shows us how to fill the needles up with drugs that will make us crazy and weep and how to dispose of them (in the sharps bin provided). She tells us that the drugs have side effects - bloating, bleeding...hormonal. A man sniggers behind me, I want to punch him, insensitive prick. I immediately feel sorry for his wife/girlfriend but realise I must listen to the nurse. She tells us where to inject - lovehandles, top of thighs, abdomen area. This is so mean.

Mr IVF later tells me his not going to inject me, I'll have to do it myself. I know he is only joking but I also know he is only joking a bit. He has to inject me I can't do it myself. Fuck that.

The Pack

We receive an IVF pack at the beginning of December which gives us the lowdown. Mr IVF is at work, I scan read it, then put it away. It sounds hideous.

Mr IVF comes home and eventually the next day gets round to reading it. I don't understand why he didn't pick it up immediately after walking over the threshold and feel a little bit of fury at this. It's IMPORTANT, look what is going to happen to ME. I know I'm overreacting and being unfair so I try not to be outwardly furious. Mr IVF does things methodically and gives things proper time whereas I am impatient and try to do a million things at once.

If you don't know what is involved with IVF here is a quick explanation:

The docs need to control your cycle so firstly you inject yourself to stop the ovaries working. Then when the ovaries are suppressed you also start injecting yourself with synthetic hormones to stimulate follicles (in which should be eggs). I'm guessing this is the period when some ladies go crazy.

If everything is a-ok all your eggs are collected and your partner gives a sperm sample on the same day. From then on you have to use progesterone suppositories every night until the pregnancy test. Next is the embryo transfer which occurs not long after egg collection. Then the pregnancy test.

The whole process can take as little as 6 weeks or much much longer. It can also be cancelled if at any stage there is a risk to your health.

Would I like to book the treatment?

In October 2009 all the test results came back and I, thankfully am in working order. Apart from a polycystic ovary. But it's just the one and I'm not overly hairy or fat so we won't worry about it.

It's been two or three years since we found out we couldn't conceive naturally and we're both ok with that, it's crap, but we're ok. The desire to have children has also grown on me (although still freaks me out). I feel we've taken our time and I'm a bit more ready than a couple of years ago. I am fully aware that there is never a good time and that is why I am happy to get on with this now and not wait until I'm 30 or over. Plus, Mr IVF is in his mid-30s.

So in December I have another appointment with the fertility specialist. Mr IVF doesn't attend and I think this makes me feel a bit neglected and like he doesn't care but I know that's not the case. He hasn't attended the other two meetings and truthfully he's not really needed there (besides moral support? She tells me that we can go ahead with treatment and would I like to book it?

Would I like to book it?

She asks me twice, I think my first yes must have been unconvincing! I say yes again, I hope with more enthusiasm. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just VERY TERRIFYING.

Am I ok? The tests...

In Spetember 2009 I had an appointment with the fertility specialist who explained that they run initial tests first - I believe these are called Basal Fertility Testing. They need to determine that you ovulate, that your fallopian tubes are ok and are not blocked, do a sperm count and some blood tests (hepatitis etc).

The fertility specialist told me that we would need to go down the ICSI route. This is where they choose a specific sperm to inject into the egg. Hospital 1, Mother Nature 0.

I'd like to point out here that the waiting time to get our intitial appointment with the IVF clinic was less than 6 weeks. Well done NHS.

Getting on with it... a long while later

We didn't do anything for a while, we were in no rush and Mr IVF wasn't registered at our local doctors. A few months later we moved to London and understandably got caught up in new jobs, new city, how do we pay the extortionate rent?

It wasn't until late summer 2009 we thought we ought to do something about it and go to the doctors. I don't think my inclination to have children had increased at all but I was aware that these things take time and so we might as well do it because a) you'll never know otherwise and I'm not sure I could bear that and b)there are no guarantees it'll work anyway.

I read online that the doctors I had registered with was in a borough that only gives you one IVF cycle. But the neighbouring borough gives you three. We live in the middle so I promptly changed doctors and made the necessary appointments.

We saw a lovely doctor who recommended the hospital we are at now, it helped him he said and has one of the leading IVF clinics. We ought to hear from them in around six weeks he said.

Mr IVF and his mum

Mr IVF's mother (a nurse) offered to help fast track us for the inititial fertility tests. I wasn't really clear on what was going on as it seemed to be more between Mr IVF and his mum as she was sorting it all out. I felt a bit like an outsider, like it wasn't really much to do with me.I think I was a bit resentful. But I'm ok now (because I'm in control now?!!)

So Mr IVF had a bunch of tests at his mum's hospital and they all came back ok, there was some sperm, just not very much at all. Nothing wrong with his genes, thankfully, or it would have been game over. But when a doctor tells you there is little (if any) chance of you conceiving naturally, it's a bit of a shitter. We were upset, I nearly cried but managed to keep it together.

There is nothing you can do, we take it for granted that we can procreate, sometimes we can't. It's as simple as that.

In the beginning

Mr IVF and I talked about having children pre marriage and how we thought it would be nice but if it couldn't happen it wouldn't be the be all and end all of everything.  We weren't desperate to have children and thought it would be best to just go with the flow. So, in 2005 I stopped taking the pill.

In mid 2008, after a few years of no offspring Mr IVF went to do a sperm sample. A few weeks
later the results were in and it wasn't looking good (very low sperm count).  I felt for him, he soldiered on and his mother suggested we get the IVF ball rolling. No pressure then.

Do I want to have children?

I need to make it clear that at no time over these past few years have I wanted to have children immediately and I had I got pregnant naturally I probably would have freaked out but got on with it.

In the future, yes, but I just couldn’t imagine it. I was too young, no ‘career’ to speak of really, too much to do before being tied down by the little people.

Why blog?

I've taken the decision to document this because it's a pretty important undertaking and I think/hope it may be cathartic if it's a painful process. 

Part of me regrets burning my diary when I was a teenager, a result of my parents reading it (without permission I might add) and being horrified by my outrageous teenage antics. Now an adult I too am horrified by my teenage antics. But I digress.  It would have been rather fun to read what my teenage self was thinking and feeling and I think in a way 'the burning' has contributed to the start of this blog.