and the results are in...

and they're negative. I say 'they' because I did 2 hpts - the one the clinic gave us and one from Superdrug. Both are n.e.g.a.t.i.v.e, definitely disappointed and a bit upset. Had a short cry when hugging Mr IVF but mostly am annoyed we'll have to go through the whole thing again. It kind puts your life on hold, well mine anyway. I freelance long hours and can't go to work on days where I have to go to hospital which means I have to turn down jobs.

I've lost the piece of paper from the clinic telling us what to do next - I know I need to email them but I can't find the email address and I'm unsure if I should carry on with the cyclogest/oestrogen patches until period comes. Any ideas? I should ring the clinic really, I'll have another hunt for the letter then call them if I definitely can't find it.

Tonight I'm going to watch Mesrine with a bottle of Rioja. Silver linings.

Less than 24hrs to go

I've kept it together! There are less than 24hrs left until POAS for real and I'm all full of wonder/nervousness/excitement. If it doesn't work then at least I can have big glass of vin rouge. All is not lost. We can try again - might have a month or so break though. I swear the whole shutting down my ovaries thing has made me grow a small 'tache. Not a good look. I'd like my hormones to have some peace and for the 'tache to disappear completely please,thank you very much.

Today I'm meeting a friend for lunch and then watching Revolutionary Road (we both read the book recently). That should keep me occupied. I bet I have a crap night's sleep. Last night I couldn't sleep for toffee, I had lower back ache and my left hip/pelvic area was really achey too. A couple of paracetamol's and some earplugging up later (DH was doing Darth Vader impressions in his sleep) and eventually I fell on the snooze wagon.

I woke up at 10.30am from dreaming about +ve hpts....sign? Hmmmm, we shall see....

Oh to be just a little bit stronger and resist those sticks

So I did the deed and POAS (peed on a stick) on Saturday AM and it was a BFN (big fat negative in this crazy world of ivf lingo). I put it down to it just being too early to test and decided to POAS on Tuesday (that would be yesterday). So today is 11dp2dt and I did the stick and it was still BFN. No faint line, nothing, nada. Part of me wondered if my going to the loo late last night might've affected any hcg levels. I'm a bit disappointed but not too much. There's still a possibility it could be positive on Friday. If this whole TTC (trying to conceive) malarkey doesn't work it's not the end of my world. I can think of loads of things that equal a fulfilled life minus the little tinkers. Mr IVF is on the same page so we're all good. Of course we'd still be upset, but a healthy upset rather than so distraught I can't face the world upset.

I read on someone elses blog that it's better to get a few small negatives than one big fat one. I agree (am I just saying that because curiosity got the better of me?!) it probably lessens the blow.

Sore boobs have gone but still got lower backache (around pelvic area) and I'm getting the odd cramping here and there. Had a strong one earlier and had to sit down. Is this normal at this time? I wonder if either embryos have implanted because I can feel stuff going on, unless it's the progesterone talking. Think I'll just try and keep sane until Friday which is THE day. Going to acupuncture later, that'll help. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

It's been a while and now it's the 2ww - 7dp2dt

I haven't posted for ages, mainly because nothing was really going on. Throughout May I just did the obligatory buserelin injections (I took over from Mr IVF when I realised it didn't hurt as much when I did it!). I've been really lucky in that the hormones haven't really got to me. I wonder if that means they were wired in the first place!

So, I've just been plodding along really. I decided to carry on having the odd alcohol bevvie and stopped one week before the Frozen Embryo Transfer, same with caffeine. It's not been so bad! (She says through gritted teeth) I even managed to go to a lovely pub with lovely wine and have an elderflower and soda. Well done me. And I've ordered to crates of wine from Virgin Wine Club to restock our supplies. Given I may not be able to drink any of this for potentially the next nine months I think I've done well.

Back to the IVF bit! I started the progesterone suppositries a couple of weeks ago now. It's fine. I can cope with it. A bit of Agent Provocateurs Gentleman's Relish helps too :) (that would be some posh lube). It has gone without incident, thankfully.

I had the frozen embryo transfer done a week ago today. Also without incident, Mr IVF said he was a bit nervous in the car on the way there. I was fine, not nervous at all. I recall this was the same on our wedding day, me - fine, him - sweating. It was all very organised, I like the IVF Unit at the Hammersmith Hospital, it seems they do a sterling job.

We had a chat with the embryologist who told us we had two embryos, both high grade and both dividing as expected - one was a two cell,t he other a three cell. I'll spare you the gory details of the actual transfer, all I'll say is it was a bit like having a smear test but more painful because it involves a catheter tube. If you've been there, well, you know. I laid motionless for about 30mins afterwards and then went home to spend the next 5 days glued to the sofa. Oh and they gave us a photo of the embryos to take away, which if they turn into real live humans will be pretty special. If not, well it's still quite amazing they can take photos of them.

During the first day after my FET I discovered the world of the 2 week wait (2ww). If there were no google I would not know this. So I am going to blame by increasingly obsessive behaviour (checking daily what symptoms should be for that day, reading blog after blog about how others POAS daily and get BFN BFN BFN. Eeek. This can't be good for the brain!) on Google and the WWW.

So now I'm at 7dp2dt and yes I've succumbed to symptom checking. I'm not sure I've got any if I'm really honest with myself. For the first 5 days I had a sciatica type pain shooting down the back of my left leg, into my foot sometimes too and I could still feel the sharp pain in the area where I felt them go in during the FET. I also had cramps up til 5dp2dt. Good, bad? No idea...

I noticed an increase in greasy hair on 5dp2dt and spots too - noticed because I read about it? Or real? Arrrrgghhh.

Last night I was really restless and couldnt sleep for ages. The first two nights I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow (not that usual for me). Today I have a couple of hot sweats without the sweat, just heated right up! Now I'm normal. Thought I had a wave of nausea this morning but maybe that was because I ate too much yoghurt and honey. I still feel the odd twinge but no spotting. Boobs are a little bit tender but that would be normal if period is due.

I have no idea if any of this means anything. But, I have (failed and) bought two pregnancy tests (in addition to the one they gave me), the first of which I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm sorry, I just can't stop myself. I've got this far! I'm not meant to test until June 11th. Bollocks to that. If it's negative well I'll wait a couple more days and do the next one around next Tuesday. If that's negative well, looks like we'll have to go to Round 2.

Wish me luck!

The beginning of FERC

So FERC stands for Frozen Egg Replacement Cycle, and the reason I'm on this cycle is because I was at risk of OHSS and so the embryos needed to go in the deep freeze.

I've been on the Buserelin for just over two weeks now, everything seems to be ok, I'm not as sweaty or damp under the armpits as before but I am feeling pretty bloated right now. I went for my first scan this morning, if everything had been ok I could have started the oestrogen patches, but my womb lining is too thick so I need to bleed. Back at the hospital same time next week and hopefully I'll be able to get on the oestrogen.

I've started no drinking as of yesterday. I would really love some red wine.

Another scan

Today I had my second OHSS scan. The lady doctor explains that the ovaries have gone down but there is more fluid now than there was last time they scanned. I look at the notes which don't make much sense to me but see fluid next to POD. She says to continue taking the Buserelin unless I have a bleed in which case I can discontinue it. And to book another OHSS scan for next Monday.

This is the first time I want my period.

I wonder what POD is and checked it out on the glorious internet when I got home. It's the Pouch of Douglas and it still means little to me although I now know that this is where the fluid is. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recto-uterine_pouch

I wonder how this little pouch will relieve itself and where does the fluid go?! Questions on a postacard please....

Sat 13 Feb - moving much better

The swelling has gone down considerably. I only look 5 months pregnant now. I can nearly stand up straight but my back still starts hurting after a while.

I cook the most amazing sirloin steak and drink some red wine for the first time in a couple of months. A lovely evening!!

Fri 12 Feb - A bruise in a strange place...

The doctor calls me mid afternoon to say my blood results are a-ok bt if I get any OHSS symptoms over the weekend to go to A&E. I feel much better than Monday/Tuesday but am still struggling to stand up fully straight. I still look pregnant and it's pretty uncomfortable but not excruciating anymore. I rearrange a work meeting for Tuesday and we call off our weekend in the Valleys so I can rest.

Around 5pm I find a bruise in my belly button! Coming from the inside out I thought it was a bit wierd. I went to my acupuncture appointment, it really hurt when she put some of the needles in and twisted them. Not pain from the needle but there is clearly tension or whatever it is make me jump. When she sees my belly she refuses to put any needles around it, focusing instead on my legs and arms. She tells me to go to the doctor asap.

I get home and call Mr IVF, I think I should call NHS Direct first I say because I feel fine, it's just a bit strange and could signify internal bleeding. Half an hour later and NHS Direct can't figure it out because I'm not showing any symptoms (shoulder pain? No, Shortness of breath? No Headache? No) so I get the bus to A&E. Twice in one week. Arggh, not again.

I see the first doctor pretty quickly but she just takes my blood pressure and a note of my symptoms/background, then I have to wait for bloody ages to see the GP. I think we see him at around 8.30pm (I got to A&E at 6.30pm). He takes the same details as the lady before him and calls the resident Gynaecologist who says he'll see me when he gets out of theatre.

5 hours later.....5 hours!!! Such a long time to wait, we were going mental. They did give us a room though so we had a chill out on the bed. Neither of us had any dinner though so we were famished. They took some blood and left the tap in my arm, 'just in case you're admitted', the nurse said. Noooo, I don't to sleep in hospital! I want my bed!

There's a crazy lady (most likely alcohol or drug induced) screaming in a cubicle at the end of the hall to 'get them out me!! They're inside me!!!'

So the blood tests come back fine and the gynae has a poke around my abdomen which hurts a lot, and then decides that because I'm not losing haemaglobin it means I'm not bleeding internally so he's happy for me to go home.

Yay!

We just need to wait for the senior doctor to confirm that we're ok to go. Oh god, more waiting...

2.30am - We can go! Finally!! So hungry. So tired. But ok and not dying which is good!

The nurse discharges us and chats to us about our ivf experience. He tells us he and his wife have a 3yr old son who was conceived through IVF. His wife had severe OHSS and their embryos had to be frozen until she was well enough to have them transferred. The ivf unit collected 12 eggs and of those 5 were fertilised but only 3 made it to embryo stage. They had one frozen cycle and got pregnant!

Such a happy story it filled us with hope because their situation was pretty much identical to ours. We were feeling a bit downcast because we only had three embryos and what if they don't make it through the thaw process? But the nurses story made us feel a lot better. Fingers crossed!!

Thurs 11 Feb

I'm still massively bloated and stretched and it's not going down much so I email our nurse at the hospital. He calls me back mid afternoon asking me to go in for a scan asap so off I trot/plod.

Walking around is exhausting and the bus journey is not very nice at all. I can feel my humoungous ovaries bouncing around inside as the bus goes over bumps and potholes.

They scan and blood test me for OHSS. From what I can see the largest follicle is 111mm which is huge!!!! It scares me somewhat but they say I'm ok to go home which is good, but to go to A&E if I get worse over the weekend.

Weds, 10 Feb - chilling with Laura

With my belly still stretched to the max and me not being able to stand up properly and it hurting like hell whenever I moved my friend Laura came round to look after me.

Laura rustled up a luscious lunch of salad, posh bread and cheese - a new one for me, Cornish Yarg! It's delicious. Then some gorgeous macaroons and Cherry Garcia. We take our places on the bed settee where I've not moved from since Monday and get stuck in to some films - The Proposal and The Women.

The Women is ok, it seems quite dated (clothes, makeup) even though it was only released last year and the script was weak. Notably there was not a single male in sight for the whole film! Very odd.

The Proposal, albeit predictable, was far better with some great laugh out loud moments.

Sleep was painful and intermittant, Mr IVF sorted dinner, thankfully.

And the embryologist says....

Today is the day after the egg collection and I get a call from the embryologist by 9am.

There were 12 eggs collected. 7 were good enough to be injected (ICSI) and 3 turned into embryos.

20% yield then. That doesn't sound too good. But better than nothing I guess. I start wondering how the three little embryos will fare the freeze/thaw process and turn to the all knowing internet. An article tells me an average of 50% survive the freeze thaw process. So, being frugal, 1 embryo is likely to make it. Bloody hell. 1 bloody embryo and all this pain. I think realistically our chances of a pregnancy (let alone live birth) are slim this time round. Hopefully we'd be able to get another cycle on the NHS. But I would have to go through the whole thing again because we're not likely to have any embryos left in the freezer.

Maybe I'm being too negative! I shall try the power of positive thinking but god dammit I'm still in too much pain to feel positive. I wonder whether acupuncture would help. I might go this afternoon. I need to get some lunch too, I'm starving. And I need a shower. I've not worn deoderant now for over 24hours, not smelling too bad but a shower will make me feel better I'm sure.

Collecting them eggs and the aftermath

I had the egg collection yesterday and in a nutshell it was pretty awful. I was nil by mouth from midnight on Sunday so wolfed down a few blueberry pancakes courtesy of Mr IVF at around 10pm.

I had a shower in the morning using aqueous cream as this is unscented, I skipped the deoderant (shock horror!) and of course no perfume, makeup or nail polish allowed because the chemicals may damage the eggs. I wore comfy, stretchy clothes - Uniqlo leggings and thermal top and a hoodie, and my glasses instead of contact lenses. I felt fine and positive, this is a standard procedure after all, and I was looking forward to getting those eggs out and feeling normal again.

We went to the clinic for 7.10am (thankfully it's only 10mins away in the car) and were taken to our cubicle in the recovery area. I went into theatre at 9.30am so just chilled out with Mr IVF and chatted whilst the anaesthetist, nurses and the doctor came and went with various drugs, instructions and questions . It was a relaxed atmosphere and I still felt fine about the whole thing.

Mr IVF was given a pot to go off and do the deed. It took him a while! But a successful drop off nonetheless. He came back holding his little bag (with pot inside) looking a bit embaressed at having to go out in front of everybody and find the nurse to give it to.

I went in at about 9.30ish there was music in the theatre room which was not particularly soothing but quite happy and jolly which I quite liked! I was sedated and then came around in my cubicle with the curtain drawn open. One of the nurses came over to give me a drink (hot chocolate please) and some biscuits (bourbons oh yes). I felt woozy, obviously, but came round in about 20mins. The normal recovery time is 1-1.5hrs which we calculated as us being out by 11-11.30am (£8 on car parking!)

I didn't get out until 2.30pm. I kept feeling dizzy and sick and couldn't pass urine until around 1ish (and they won't let you go until you do) and then after sitting up for around 20mins I vomited! The nurses came to check on me and gave me some drugs intravenously to help with the sickness. I laid back down and felt ok but the nurses insisted I stayed until i felt much better. The anaesthestist came in to apologise bless her. She said it's unusual to have such a bad reaction and pehaps I was dehyrdrated from the day before (probably).

It was after lunch and I could tell Mr IVF wanted to get going, he was looking and stating that he was bored which is fair enough. He also said he was meant to be playing squash later that evening but that it was an away match, which meant he would be out for about 4-5 hours. I thought this was out of order because he was meant to be looking after me for 24hrs. I told him to make the right decision but left it at that hoping he would, but at the same time vowed to never speak to him again if he did abandon me.

So by 2pm after a few dizzy and sick spells I felt ok, not 100% but fine enough to get home so we decided to make a move and walked to reception to make an appointment for my OHSS scan in a weeks time. Mr IVF went to get the car and waited in reception, after a couple of minutes I suddenly felt all the blood drain out of the top half of my body, came over very dizzy and sick and felt like I was going to pass out. An embryologist was at the reception desk and next thing I knew was holding me by the elbow and leading me to sofa to sit down. I felt sooo sick it was awful. She went to get one of the IVF nurses that had been monitioring me. Mr IVF came in and said I looked really pale. I managed not to vomit and the colour eventually came back. The nurse made me walk around the clinic, slowly, holding me by the elbow. Eventually I came round fully and felt ok to go home. The nurse looked so concerned and wanted me to stay in recovery, part of me wanted to but part of me wanted to get home too, so home I went. The nurse said if I was still feeling bad later on I should go to A&E and they would probably admit me and keep an eye on me for a couple of days.

So home we went with some of the hospital vomit catchers (I have no idea what their real name is!) Literally as soon I stepped through the door I had to be sick, thankfully I made it to the kitchen sink. Mr IVF pulled out the bed settee for me and got me pillows and a duvet and I laid down in front of the tellybox. I managed to eat half a sandwich but then at around 3.30 I started to feel really dizzy and sick again. I closed my eyes and tried to stave off vomiting, eventually i managed to fall asleep for about 30mins.

Of course I was feeling bloated and uncomfortable but I had really painful pains around my stomach area underneath my ribs which was making breathing lying down really hard. I was breathing in short breaths in an attempt not to make it anymore painful. Everything hurt.

At around 5pm again I felt better so tried to have a walk around the flat. After 10minutes of slow shuffling I vomited again. At this point I wished I had stayed in the recovery room. We decided to go down to a&e because I just wasn't getting any better, every time I was standing up for 10mins I would come over dizzy and sick.

We arrived at a&e which is a polyclinic, it was pretty quiet. I was sick in the toilet again before seeing the doctor who took my blood pressure and asked me some questions. She said my blood pressure was really low and sent me upstairs to see another doctor who said that all these symptoms are really common after egg collection. Oh, ok, I thought. She pressed around my tummy which really hurt and then prescribed me some tablets for the nausea and vomiting. She didn't seem to be too concerned which was a complete contrast to the nurses at the IVF clinic who seemed very concerned because most ladies walk out in just a few hours and I was still being sick.

So we went home (vomit catcher still in hand), I was still feeling dizzy and as we got nearer home I started to get numbness in my fingers and across my chest and top lip. Just as we pulled up I vomited hard into the tray. I couldn't stop, everything hurt and it was freaking me out. Mr IVF opened the door and took the full tray off me, I leaned out of the car and vomited into the road. Hideous. I felt exhausted. I made it back into the flat and got back into bed and fell asleep for a while.

I kept in a horizontal position for at least three hours until Mr IVF brought me a hot cross bun which went down a treat, albeit slowly. Some pasta followed, not much but something. I had to eat to get my blood sugars up and gain strength. I stayed on the bed settee until midnight and then went to bed with Mr IVF. It took ages for me to find a position to sleep and I still couldn't breathe deeply. I kept waking up in the night in pain (even after taking paracetamol) and having to re-adjust myself. It wasn't the worse nights sleep I've ever had but it certainly wasn't the best. I think I got a few hours in.

Thankfully Mr IVF didn't abandon me for squash. think the vicious vomiting in his car put the point home that I needed looking after. Although I still can't believe he thought it would be ok to go off and play squash. Priorities Mr IVF!!!!!

To the freezer!

So last week was all about the scans and blood tests. I went to the hospital every other day because my FSH levels were high and I'm at high risk of developing Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS http://www.hfea.gov.uk/fertility-treatment-risks.html).

I only had 9 days on the Gonal F as I developed the eggs pretty quickly. A nurse called me on the Thursday afternoon to tell me that I needed to do the late night injection (Ovitrelle) on Saturday night at 9.30pm and that the egg collection will be on the Monday and to be at the hospital for 7.10am.

She also said that because I'm a high risk candidate for OHSS the embryos will be frozen and we'll have to do a frozen cycle in 2-3 months. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I'm relieved to have a bit of a break. On the other hand I'll have to go through all the injections again (apart from the follicle stimulating hormones, thankfully). Oh well, there's not much I can do but get on with it.

Jiggling ovaries...

feels so wrong and unnatural! Mahoosive abdominal bloating caused by the giant ovaries which I can feel moving around whenever I move. It doesn't hurt really but feels so weird and freaky.

Mr IVF asks me what I'm going to be like when/if I'm pregnant. I'll be fine! I exclaim, 'because pregnancy is natural, whereas making all these eggs is not!'.

Feeling ugh

I only feel ugh because I'm so bloated and constipated. I just read an article which states that you should drink 2litres of water a day because liquids and blood are being used to stimulate the ovaries. That'll explain my thirstiness then.

I was planning on going to the gym this morning but the bloatedness is making me just want to sit down. I'm going out on my bike later and will do my stretches so that should suffice for now. I guess rest is in order to grow those eggs!

Stop...Carry on

So I was told not to inject the Gonal F yesterday morning but then a nurse called me in the afternoon to say I could do after all. She said to do it on Wednesday but not on Thursday and to come on for a scan on Thursday.
Noted.

Blood test....

I had my first blood test today - the Day 5 Blood Test. I believe this is to check FSH levels and ensure the ovaries are not overstimulating. The nurse said I'd only get a phone call if I needed to increase/decrease my Gonal F amount. I received a call mid afternoon and the nurse told me to call and make a scan appointment for tomorrow and not inject the Gonal F. Why couldn't they just make an appointment for me and tell me the time?

I'm making an assumption that I need this early scan because my ovaries may be overstimulating? The nurse doesn't offer an explanation and I'm in a shopping centre and am struggling to hear anyway. I text Mr IVF saying I have to go tomorrow for a scan.

I phoned the IVF scan appointments line when I got home. The receptionist answered and after a minute or so of checking available times told me there were none available and she had to check with a doctor and she would call me back immediately. 40 minutes later I hadn't heard anything so I phoned them back. The appointments line was closed. Great. The clinic was due to close in about 30 mins and I'd waited nearly an hour and had no way of calling them. I end up speaking to an Embryologist and felt bad for disturbing her. She takes my details and says she'll get someone to call me back. At about 4.50 (the clinic shuts at 5pm) someone finally calls me back and tells me to come in for 9.20 tomorrow morning.

Mr IVF calls me and asks what this means. I say I think it means I could be overstimulating but I'm not 100% sure. The nurse who phoned should have explained a bit more as you always think the worst otherwise. It's a good job I'm not the anxious type.

More tomorrow then...

Acupuncture cherry popped

I had my Day 5 blood test this morning and had my first acupuncture appointment immediately after. I'd never had acupuncture before and was looking forward to it. I was hoping it would help with the headaches that I've been getting daily. We had a chat about my medical history and health and the side effects I'd been experiencing (hot flushes, night sweats, headaches, back aches and mild abdomen pain).

The room was lovely and toastie and I laid down on the bed which had an electric blanket to heat my lower back area which was lovely and soothing. She also put a heat lamp over my abdomen which also felt really soothing. The needles going in were no problem, some were tingly, with some I felt a mild pin prick but the one in my left hand really hurt! She explained that this should help with the headaches. I laid there with my eyes closed for about 30 mins with needles in my legs, abdomen, arms and head. I felt so relaxed apart from my left hand (which still hurts a little).

When the session came to an end I just wanted to sleep I felt so relaxed! But I went to the shopping mall and had a small cappucino instead to wake me up. I haven't had a headache yet and it's 7.45pm. They were coming on late afternoon, early evening, I think it may have worked! Looking forward to my next one/two which will be on the day of the embryo transfer. Just before and just afer.

Feeling rubbish

Mr IVF asks me if I am free on the first weekend of Feb. I'm supposed to be teaching a class but the client hasn't confirmed so I doubt I will be working I say. Ok he says. Mr IVF sends me a meeting invitation to visit some Northern friends that weekend.

I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know how the Gonal F is going to affect me and I don't want to have to keep the Gonal F in their fridge and face lots of questions when Mr IVF hasn't even told them we are doing IVF.

I think it's best we don't go but I don't want to stop Mr IVF seeing his friends. I don't say no or yes but sound negative about going, hoping that he senses that I don't think it's a good idea and that it would be better to stay home and support me if I'm not feeling too good or hormonal which is highly like given I'm going to be pumped up with hormones.

Instead Mr IVF takes my negativity in the complete opposite direction and gets defensive. I tell him I don't think it's a great idea because I don't know how I will be feeling. He says, 'fine, it's probably best if you don't come'. 'Fine', I say, furious. I go and potter in the bathroom stewing in fury and annoyed that he can't see my point.

I go back into his office where he is working and say I think he is being totally insensitive and I'm not going anywhere. It's left at this and Mr IVF goes to work.

I go to the gym to try and process why I'm so annoyed and upset. I'm upset because he hasn't thought about me (he says - I asked you if you were available! - I din't say yes or no). I just wish that he had thought about my needs first. I wish he'd thought 'well I don't think it's a good idea to travel up the country whilst Mrs IVF is having these hormone injections because she might not be feeling well and I i'd like to be around to support her and make sure she is ok'. Why didn't he think that? Given this is a difficult time for me I only want to share my social time with close family and friends. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I try to talk to him when he comes home from work. I say I don't think I made my point clear this morning. He says 'oh you made it very clear, clear as day'. He's obviously angry with me - I have no idea why and I don't understand why there is such a lack of compassion or understanding for the person who supposedly is the most important person in his life. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I'm not, I certainly don't feel like it right now.

I try to explain that it's not that I don't want to go - it's just I don't think the next 3-4 weeks is a good time because I don't know how the hormones are going to affect me and I'd prefer to be in my own environment. Mr IVF points out that I've been fine so far. But actually I've had been in a perpetual state of hot flushing, starting to get more and more headaches - today's was migraine like, feeling slightly nauseous, and of course there's the bleeding which isn't much fun. So although I am dealing with all of this without problem I am experiencing changes. Whereas he is not experiencing any bodily or emotional changes. He also points out that we need to make an effort socially. This maybe true, but does it really have to be now? I am just asking that we don't do anything in February,that is all. Reschedule for March. He still looks angry with me.

He goes on to say he thinks I'm being difficult on purpose (wtf?!) because I don't want to go. I say I just want to chill out and take it easy over the next few weeks. 'You have the easiest life of anybody I know' he retorts. The fury boils inside me, I just don't get why he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, and why he's saying these awful things to me. All I want is for him to put me first during this time. He says I'm turning into a big deal. Well it is a big deal. We've made a life changing decision to go ahead and try to have children. How is that not a big deal? He gets ready to go out (playing squash) and I sit on the sofa gritting my teeth, tears streaming.

He comes over to say goodbye and sees how upset I am. I try to explain again that I'm not being difficult, this is how I feel and when he says things like 'you have the easiest life of anybody I know' it makes me feel like he thinks I'm lazy and fills me with self-doubt. He sits there and asks if I'm ok, hugs me. I say yes. He goes to play squash. I sit on the sofa and cry out of frustration because I still think he just thinks I'm being difficult.

He phones from squash and asks if I'm ok. I say yes but am still crying. I'm not sure if I am. He says we'll have cuddles when he gets home and asks if I need anything. I don't, I'm fine I say.

He comes home from squash and I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother, he sits and watches too but doesn't touch me. We go to bed (still no bodily contact - no cuddle) and he rolls over. Five minutes pass and I have to ask what happened to the cuddle we were going to have. He rolls towards me and holds me. I feel a bit better and go to sleep.

First scan

I went to the hospital for my first scan to check my ovaries are suppressed. I take a batch of Grazia magazines because hospital magazies are always old or crap.

My appointment was supposed to be at 8am but the receptionist didn't have my appointment on her system. I recall when I booked it she was trying to do something else at the same time and I reckon she didn't book it. I end up waiting two hours to be seen by someone. The nurse apologises profusely.

Everything is ok she says and I can go ahead and start the Gonal F. She asks do I know how to use the pen to administer the drugs? Erm...No. She asks me to wait ('not as long as before' she says) so a nurse can show me how to use this pen. All seems easy enough.

I go to the pharmacy with my prescription and endure another hour waiting. Why so slow? There are six people in the pharmacy beavering away! I 'm relieved I remembered my book (Brutal Art) and have managed to get through a good chunk.

The sweats

I thought I'd managed to escape the side effects of Buserelin but no. Over the last few days I've had random hot sweats and semi-permanent dampness under the arm as well as a few headaches. Nice. At least I'll know what to expect when I hit the menopause. Thankfully this is all, I'm sure many women out there have really suffered so I guess I haven't done too badly (so far - it's only week 2 after all).

Day 3 of injections

I'm working again but this time drive myself as the roads were fine the day before. I take a syringe and the bottle of Buserelin with me in a small bag. I get to work at about 6.50am and make a beeline for the disabled toilet.

This is the first time I will be injecting myself. It doesn't phase me, I have no choice. I sit on the toilet and prick my leg with the needle. It hurts a little more than yesterday, I wonder if this is because I can see it. When I pull the needle out blood follows. This didn't happen yesterday or the day before! Mr IVF is clearly better at it than me.

I could just inject myself but if I did then Mr IVF would not have any participation in this whatsoever. All Mr IVF must do is accompany me to the hospital on the day of the egg collection so he can give a sperm sample and look after me. Given the problem is Mr IVF's dodgy sperm I feel this is all very unfair. So I insist he inject me so he can share my pain. I think he feels it, he really doesn't like doing it.

An early start

I have to leave for work very early on day 2 of the injections, I'm working from 7am so will need to do the injection before then. Mr IVF offers to drive me because the snow is bad. We leave at 6.25 and pull over somewhere and he stabs me in the leg again. Ouch. It hurts this time. A bus drives past us and I hope nobody saw my knickers.

Day 21 (or day 1 of the injections)

The Protocol tells us the injections need to be done between 7am and 9.30am. We start at 8am. The syringe sucks the liquid drugs out of the bottle and some air bubbles form in the syringe. Mr IVF is doing it. He can't get the bubbles out. It takes another syringe, lots of flicking the syringe and patience on Mr IVFs part to get it ready. There are NO instructions. Instructions would have helped because it was about a month ago when they told us how to do this. Where do we do the injection?

I'm being impatient and am nervous, surely there aren't meant to air bubbles in it? Mr IVF says I'm acting weird. I say I am not. Eventually we decide that a couple of teeny tiny air bubbles won't kill me because we're not injecting into veins. I look away and he literally stabs me with the needle in the top of the thigh. It doesn't hurt. It's fine. I am relieved.

Mr IVF phones me later that day to see if I have gone crazy. No, I am normal, so far.

Waiting...

We wait for the results, we're away for Christmas so that takes our mind of it. I am anxious though that we get the results back because the Long Day 21 Protocol that we are following is strictly laid out. Day 1 is the first day of your period. Day 21 is the day you start taking the ovary stopping drugs (Buserelin in our case). It gets to Day 19 (in January 2010) and there are no results, I phone the Nurse. He speaks to the specialist and apparently we can go ahead but if the results come back and there is a problem treatment will be cancelled.

Hmmm, what to do? I say I'll call him back shortly and phone Mr IVF. Mr IVF says lets just do it , we know the results were ok and your genes don't change so we should be fine. Mr IVF then says he remembers that his mum said she could get hold of the original results. Erm, when did she say this I wonder? Last year? Why didn't you get them from her when she first said she could get them? Then I wouldn't be in a mild panic stressing that we'll have to wait until next month before we can start the hideous injections. I keep these questions to myself and Mr IVF rings off to call his mum.

Mr IVF's mum comes through and faxes over the test results. That was easy, I thought. My stresses could have been completely avoided. Oh well. I took the results to the Nurse and he takes them to the specialist who confirms that we are ok to go ahead. I pick up my prescription and book the scan for two weeks time which will tell me/them/everyone that my ovaries are suppressed.

Another test

After the group co-ordination appointment we meet with our Nurse (I will use capitals for this Nurse because he is Our Nurse for the duration of this process). We go through all the paperwork from The Pack. He seems lovely and kind but there is a bit of confusion because I was supposed to bring Mr IVF's karyotype (i don't know what this is, something genetic) test results from his first batch of tests and what I thought were those results are in fact not.

Nurse suggests Mr IVF stay behind so he can do the blood test, but because it's just before Christmas the results will take longer to come back. We can only pick up our prescription (my prescription really) for the ovary halting drugs when this test result has come back from the lab. Mr IVF knows that he has had this test before and the result was fine but does the test anyway.

Group co-ordination appointment

The Pack told us to attend a Group Co-ordination appointment at the IVF clinic mid December. I didn't really register the word Group until we entered an unused room (surely unheard of?) with rows of seats filled with other people. I am clearly the youngest. This is good, I think, I hope.

In this meeting a nurse shows us our kit bag. Of needles. She shows us how to fill the needles up with drugs that will make us crazy and weep and how to dispose of them (in the sharps bin provided). She tells us that the drugs have side effects - bloating, bleeding...hormonal. A man sniggers behind me, I want to punch him, insensitive prick. I immediately feel sorry for his wife/girlfriend but realise I must listen to the nurse. She tells us where to inject - lovehandles, top of thighs, abdomen area. This is so mean.

Mr IVF later tells me his not going to inject me, I'll have to do it myself. I know he is only joking but I also know he is only joking a bit. He has to inject me I can't do it myself. Fuck that.

The Pack

We receive an IVF pack at the beginning of December which gives us the lowdown. Mr IVF is at work, I scan read it, then put it away. It sounds hideous.

Mr IVF comes home and eventually the next day gets round to reading it. I don't understand why he didn't pick it up immediately after walking over the threshold and feel a little bit of fury at this. It's IMPORTANT, look what is going to happen to ME. I know I'm overreacting and being unfair so I try not to be outwardly furious. Mr IVF does things methodically and gives things proper time whereas I am impatient and try to do a million things at once.

If you don't know what is involved with IVF here is a quick explanation:

The docs need to control your cycle so firstly you inject yourself to stop the ovaries working. Then when the ovaries are suppressed you also start injecting yourself with synthetic hormones to stimulate follicles (in which should be eggs). I'm guessing this is the period when some ladies go crazy.

If everything is a-ok all your eggs are collected and your partner gives a sperm sample on the same day. From then on you have to use progesterone suppositories every night until the pregnancy test. Next is the embryo transfer which occurs not long after egg collection. Then the pregnancy test.

The whole process can take as little as 6 weeks or much much longer. It can also be cancelled if at any stage there is a risk to your health.

Would I like to book the treatment?

In October 2009 all the test results came back and I, thankfully am in working order. Apart from a polycystic ovary. But it's just the one and I'm not overly hairy or fat so we won't worry about it.

It's been two or three years since we found out we couldn't conceive naturally and we're both ok with that, it's crap, but we're ok. The desire to have children has also grown on me (although still freaks me out). I feel we've taken our time and I'm a bit more ready than a couple of years ago. I am fully aware that there is never a good time and that is why I am happy to get on with this now and not wait until I'm 30 or over. Plus, Mr IVF is in his mid-30s.

So in December I have another appointment with the fertility specialist. Mr IVF doesn't attend and I think this makes me feel a bit neglected and like he doesn't care but I know that's not the case. He hasn't attended the other two meetings and truthfully he's not really needed there (besides moral support? She tells me that we can go ahead with treatment and would I like to book it?

Would I like to book it?

She asks me twice, I think my first yes must have been unconvincing! I say yes again, I hope with more enthusiasm. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just VERY TERRIFYING.

Am I ok? The tests...

In Spetember 2009 I had an appointment with the fertility specialist who explained that they run initial tests first - I believe these are called Basal Fertility Testing. They need to determine that you ovulate, that your fallopian tubes are ok and are not blocked, do a sperm count and some blood tests (hepatitis etc).

The fertility specialist told me that we would need to go down the ICSI route. This is where they choose a specific sperm to inject into the egg. Hospital 1, Mother Nature 0.

I'd like to point out here that the waiting time to get our intitial appointment with the IVF clinic was less than 6 weeks. Well done NHS.

Getting on with it... a long while later

We didn't do anything for a while, we were in no rush and Mr IVF wasn't registered at our local doctors. A few months later we moved to London and understandably got caught up in new jobs, new city, how do we pay the extortionate rent?

It wasn't until late summer 2009 we thought we ought to do something about it and go to the doctors. I don't think my inclination to have children had increased at all but I was aware that these things take time and so we might as well do it because a) you'll never know otherwise and I'm not sure I could bear that and b)there are no guarantees it'll work anyway.

I read online that the doctors I had registered with was in a borough that only gives you one IVF cycle. But the neighbouring borough gives you three. We live in the middle so I promptly changed doctors and made the necessary appointments.

We saw a lovely doctor who recommended the hospital we are at now, it helped him he said and has one of the leading IVF clinics. We ought to hear from them in around six weeks he said.

Mr IVF and his mum

Mr IVF's mother (a nurse) offered to help fast track us for the inititial fertility tests. I wasn't really clear on what was going on as it seemed to be more between Mr IVF and his mum as she was sorting it all out. I felt a bit like an outsider, like it wasn't really much to do with me.I think I was a bit resentful. But I'm ok now (because I'm in control now?!!)

So Mr IVF had a bunch of tests at his mum's hospital and they all came back ok, there was some sperm, just not very much at all. Nothing wrong with his genes, thankfully, or it would have been game over. But when a doctor tells you there is little (if any) chance of you conceiving naturally, it's a bit of a shitter. We were upset, I nearly cried but managed to keep it together.

There is nothing you can do, we take it for granted that we can procreate, sometimes we can't. It's as simple as that.

In the beginning

Mr IVF and I talked about having children pre marriage and how we thought it would be nice but if it couldn't happen it wouldn't be the be all and end all of everything.  We weren't desperate to have children and thought it would be best to just go with the flow. So, in 2005 I stopped taking the pill.

In mid 2008, after a few years of no offspring Mr IVF went to do a sperm sample. A few weeks
later the results were in and it wasn't looking good (very low sperm count).  I felt for him, he soldiered on and his mother suggested we get the IVF ball rolling. No pressure then.

Do I want to have children?

I need to make it clear that at no time over these past few years have I wanted to have children immediately and I had I got pregnant naturally I probably would have freaked out but got on with it.

In the future, yes, but I just couldn’t imagine it. I was too young, no ‘career’ to speak of really, too much to do before being tied down by the little people.

Why blog?

I've taken the decision to document this because it's a pretty important undertaking and I think/hope it may be cathartic if it's a painful process. 

Part of me regrets burning my diary when I was a teenager, a result of my parents reading it (without permission I might add) and being horrified by my outrageous teenage antics. Now an adult I too am horrified by my teenage antics. But I digress.  It would have been rather fun to read what my teenage self was thinking and feeling and I think in a way 'the burning' has contributed to the start of this blog.