Feeling rubbish

Mr IVF asks me if I am free on the first weekend of Feb. I'm supposed to be teaching a class but the client hasn't confirmed so I doubt I will be working I say. Ok he says. Mr IVF sends me a meeting invitation to visit some Northern friends that weekend.

I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know how the Gonal F is going to affect me and I don't want to have to keep the Gonal F in their fridge and face lots of questions when Mr IVF hasn't even told them we are doing IVF.

I think it's best we don't go but I don't want to stop Mr IVF seeing his friends. I don't say no or yes but sound negative about going, hoping that he senses that I don't think it's a good idea and that it would be better to stay home and support me if I'm not feeling too good or hormonal which is highly like given I'm going to be pumped up with hormones.

Instead Mr IVF takes my negativity in the complete opposite direction and gets defensive. I tell him I don't think it's a great idea because I don't know how I will be feeling. He says, 'fine, it's probably best if you don't come'. 'Fine', I say, furious. I go and potter in the bathroom stewing in fury and annoyed that he can't see my point.

I go back into his office where he is working and say I think he is being totally insensitive and I'm not going anywhere. It's left at this and Mr IVF goes to work.

I go to the gym to try and process why I'm so annoyed and upset. I'm upset because he hasn't thought about me (he says - I asked you if you were available! - I din't say yes or no). I just wish that he had thought about my needs first. I wish he'd thought 'well I don't think it's a good idea to travel up the country whilst Mrs IVF is having these hormone injections because she might not be feeling well and I i'd like to be around to support her and make sure she is ok'. Why didn't he think that? Given this is a difficult time for me I only want to share my social time with close family and friends. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I try to talk to him when he comes home from work. I say I don't think I made my point clear this morning. He says 'oh you made it very clear, clear as day'. He's obviously angry with me - I have no idea why and I don't understand why there is such a lack of compassion or understanding for the person who supposedly is the most important person in his life. Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I'm not, I certainly don't feel like it right now.

I try to explain that it's not that I don't want to go - it's just I don't think the next 3-4 weeks is a good time because I don't know how the hormones are going to affect me and I'd prefer to be in my own environment. Mr IVF points out that I've been fine so far. But actually I've had been in a perpetual state of hot flushing, starting to get more and more headaches - today's was migraine like, feeling slightly nauseous, and of course there's the bleeding which isn't much fun. So although I am dealing with all of this without problem I am experiencing changes. Whereas he is not experiencing any bodily or emotional changes. He also points out that we need to make an effort socially. This maybe true, but does it really have to be now? I am just asking that we don't do anything in February,that is all. Reschedule for March. He still looks angry with me.

He goes on to say he thinks I'm being difficult on purpose (wtf?!) because I don't want to go. I say I just want to chill out and take it easy over the next few weeks. 'You have the easiest life of anybody I know' he retorts. The fury boils inside me, I just don't get why he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, and why he's saying these awful things to me. All I want is for him to put me first during this time. He says I'm turning into a big deal. Well it is a big deal. We've made a life changing decision to go ahead and try to have children. How is that not a big deal? He gets ready to go out (playing squash) and I sit on the sofa gritting my teeth, tears streaming.

He comes over to say goodbye and sees how upset I am. I try to explain again that I'm not being difficult, this is how I feel and when he says things like 'you have the easiest life of anybody I know' it makes me feel like he thinks I'm lazy and fills me with self-doubt. He sits there and asks if I'm ok, hugs me. I say yes. He goes to play squash. I sit on the sofa and cry out of frustration because I still think he just thinks I'm being difficult.

He phones from squash and asks if I'm ok. I say yes but am still crying. I'm not sure if I am. He says we'll have cuddles when he gets home and asks if I need anything. I don't, I'm fine I say.

He comes home from squash and I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother, he sits and watches too but doesn't touch me. We go to bed (still no bodily contact - no cuddle) and he rolls over. Five minutes pass and I have to ask what happened to the cuddle we were going to have. He rolls towards me and holds me. I feel a bit better and go to sleep.

First scan

I went to the hospital for my first scan to check my ovaries are suppressed. I take a batch of Grazia magazines because hospital magazies are always old or crap.

My appointment was supposed to be at 8am but the receptionist didn't have my appointment on her system. I recall when I booked it she was trying to do something else at the same time and I reckon she didn't book it. I end up waiting two hours to be seen by someone. The nurse apologises profusely.

Everything is ok she says and I can go ahead and start the Gonal F. She asks do I know how to use the pen to administer the drugs? Erm...No. She asks me to wait ('not as long as before' she says) so a nurse can show me how to use this pen. All seems easy enough.

I go to the pharmacy with my prescription and endure another hour waiting. Why so slow? There are six people in the pharmacy beavering away! I 'm relieved I remembered my book (Brutal Art) and have managed to get through a good chunk.

The sweats

I thought I'd managed to escape the side effects of Buserelin but no. Over the last few days I've had random hot sweats and semi-permanent dampness under the arm as well as a few headaches. Nice. At least I'll know what to expect when I hit the menopause. Thankfully this is all, I'm sure many women out there have really suffered so I guess I haven't done too badly (so far - it's only week 2 after all).

Day 3 of injections

I'm working again but this time drive myself as the roads were fine the day before. I take a syringe and the bottle of Buserelin with me in a small bag. I get to work at about 6.50am and make a beeline for the disabled toilet.

This is the first time I will be injecting myself. It doesn't phase me, I have no choice. I sit on the toilet and prick my leg with the needle. It hurts a little more than yesterday, I wonder if this is because I can see it. When I pull the needle out blood follows. This didn't happen yesterday or the day before! Mr IVF is clearly better at it than me.

I could just inject myself but if I did then Mr IVF would not have any participation in this whatsoever. All Mr IVF must do is accompany me to the hospital on the day of the egg collection so he can give a sperm sample and look after me. Given the problem is Mr IVF's dodgy sperm I feel this is all very unfair. So I insist he inject me so he can share my pain. I think he feels it, he really doesn't like doing it.

An early start

I have to leave for work very early on day 2 of the injections, I'm working from 7am so will need to do the injection before then. Mr IVF offers to drive me because the snow is bad. We leave at 6.25 and pull over somewhere and he stabs me in the leg again. Ouch. It hurts this time. A bus drives past us and I hope nobody saw my knickers.

Day 21 (or day 1 of the injections)

The Protocol tells us the injections need to be done between 7am and 9.30am. We start at 8am. The syringe sucks the liquid drugs out of the bottle and some air bubbles form in the syringe. Mr IVF is doing it. He can't get the bubbles out. It takes another syringe, lots of flicking the syringe and patience on Mr IVFs part to get it ready. There are NO instructions. Instructions would have helped because it was about a month ago when they told us how to do this. Where do we do the injection?

I'm being impatient and am nervous, surely there aren't meant to air bubbles in it? Mr IVF says I'm acting weird. I say I am not. Eventually we decide that a couple of teeny tiny air bubbles won't kill me because we're not injecting into veins. I look away and he literally stabs me with the needle in the top of the thigh. It doesn't hurt. It's fine. I am relieved.

Mr IVF phones me later that day to see if I have gone crazy. No, I am normal, so far.

Waiting...

We wait for the results, we're away for Christmas so that takes our mind of it. I am anxious though that we get the results back because the Long Day 21 Protocol that we are following is strictly laid out. Day 1 is the first day of your period. Day 21 is the day you start taking the ovary stopping drugs (Buserelin in our case). It gets to Day 19 (in January 2010) and there are no results, I phone the Nurse. He speaks to the specialist and apparently we can go ahead but if the results come back and there is a problem treatment will be cancelled.

Hmmm, what to do? I say I'll call him back shortly and phone Mr IVF. Mr IVF says lets just do it , we know the results were ok and your genes don't change so we should be fine. Mr IVF then says he remembers that his mum said she could get hold of the original results. Erm, when did she say this I wonder? Last year? Why didn't you get them from her when she first said she could get them? Then I wouldn't be in a mild panic stressing that we'll have to wait until next month before we can start the hideous injections. I keep these questions to myself and Mr IVF rings off to call his mum.

Mr IVF's mum comes through and faxes over the test results. That was easy, I thought. My stresses could have been completely avoided. Oh well. I took the results to the Nurse and he takes them to the specialist who confirms that we are ok to go ahead. I pick up my prescription and book the scan for two weeks time which will tell me/them/everyone that my ovaries are suppressed.